"What is the color of wind?"

Truth

Sit quietly, doing nothing, spring comes, and the grass grows by itself.

Let me Sleep forever

My heart feels full/

I hope I never awaken/

Only wake me up/

if I can stay in dreamland/

Stay here with me land/

I never want to go home/

I never want to wake up/

Let me sleep forever! ♪♬ 

Make it Happen

Make believe long enough

and what you believe 

will make it!

Dreamland

Oh for so long

I had to pretend 

there was a you with me. 

A mild illusion 

A greater delusion 

Still, pretend. 

When I felt a hand, 

In my mind it was you 

who was touching my face.

When I felt caress, 

I closed my eyes to imagine 

it was you lying with me.

Oh for so long

I would be kissed by some other 

only to pretend, 

it was your lips upon mine. 

Another or other

They were never you.

Now, for a dazzling moment in time

I pretend no more. 

I have left the never never land I've lived in 

and entered into another dimension 

and the sun she smiles upon me. 

 

Because it really is

you touching my face

kissing my lips

lying with me.

I am elated and overcome with joy

It must be a dream..

this reality..

I hope that I never wake from it.

Be what you are to Me (another sad song)

If you stand with me

I will not be afraid.

I have seen much worse

In my darkened days.

I have known sadness

and lonely desire.

I know how you feel

a match without fire.

I want nothing more 

than for you to be glad.

To stop feeling so down

and eternally sad.

Stand with me here,

and know everything will be fine. 

I'll hold your hand always

and hug your souls tears dry.

It hurts me you hurt

and it burns me you ache.

My head is on fire

and my stomach does quake.

I treasure you so

and I know that you know.

I wish you could be

what you mean

to 

me.

Another sad song goes unsung. 

Mj

The only drug I lava 

is marijuana

 Take the time to get to know me

 I'm really quite loverly

you will see

Try Harder!

I never believed in soul☯mates

until

yep

until

Now I just try not to think about it.

Makes it easier.

You're my soul mate

and since there is nothing to be done about it

I just try not to think about it. 

Well,

Try Harder!

Pure Misery

he.is.not.you

so it doesn't matter.

i can keep pretending 

that it's you kissing me

I'm a terrible person

Not you not you not you not you 

NotReal

This is not real

This is not (still) happening.

 I want to punch myself in the face. 

Or smash my face into a wall. 

Or let the wall smash into me. 

Something. 

Some other pain to awaken me.

Not this. 

I feel like I'm caving in.

All the while I keep thinking

it doesn't matter

I wrote you this letter, but it doesn't matter

Anyway..

Cake

I have fallen in love several 
and many times over in my youth.
I enjoy a wide array of varying emotion, 
since I am a very sensitive and creative person. 
It's in my nature to feel. 
Feel I do.

I do not have much to show for it 
except for a much larger cortex,
a mostly jaded outlook,
and a lively green parrot. 

It is in my experience
I have gained a small but general knowledge of the subject 
which believe I shall share with you.

I enjoy writing with generalizations, 
although generally specific, 
they are usually applicable to the point that I unwittingly accept them as a whole truth, 
and no longer just a generalization.
A fault of mine, I have no doubt. 
Makes my life easier. 

Back to the topic at hand

Falling in love is similar to eating an entire cake, in one bite.
Not a cupcake mind you, although I've inhaled my fare share of cupcakes. 
I'm speaking of those large, round, fancifully iced cakes in shop windows. 
Covered in a massive bouffant of icing,
Glistening and beautiful.
Begging to be known 
and to be had. 
Buttercream 
or whatever else you prefer. 

Begging for someone to prey upon it's existence.
"Eat me", it moans softly into the stale air.
Eat away, 
artist eat me up!

Eat I do, 
thank you very much. 
No no, I do not need a fork, 
I'll have the entire cake in one walloping bite, 
no chewing allowed.
Choke myself to death
that's what love is. Hysteria in action.

Enter the old cliche,
"Can we have our cake, and eat it to?"
Well? 

Eat it up as fast as you can, 
fat ass,
someone else could and will come along and take it away. 

Some vomit during the action of inhalation, 
recoil into their own bodies,
choke choke, and gag. 
Eat their own vomit. 
I have followed this pattern as well, 
Surviving on my own vomit for over a year at a time,
all the while denying that it ever tasted awful to anyone who inquired. 
Now I can look back and remember how foul it really was. 

I may never vomit again.
Hopefully.

There are people who actually die, 
trying to swallow an entire cake. 
Literally choke to death.
You know them as the "We's" and the "Us" people.
The halves that found their hole, 
in a whole. 
Those who have completely forgotten who they are
because it just tastes so good, 
so they die 
and forget everything inside. 
This is the saddest thing to me. 

Therapist, anyone?

Others tend to walk by the shop window, 
viewing the cake but never daring to taste, or even smell it.
They are the seemingly brave, standoffish, and wary ones
who we must wonder about
and walk amongst. 
Are they of this planet? 
Everyone must love cake,
Just as everyone loves a great hat. 
I wonder about those people.
They aren't hat people either. 

For I am a fan of love, 
I feel it all, 
I enjoy it all.
The pain, the sorrow, the angst, the apathy. 
It is all the same. 
Just wash it down with a drink,
really wash it down.
Take the bottle and wash away.
It helps when you're choking
fighting to breath
fighting for your life
because you inhaled another cake,
whole. 

Always falling in, 
but never out. 
I hold on to so many old flames.
I use them to my artistic advantage.
Free inspiration, at the cost of a heartache. 
Penny a dozen. 
Who says pennies are worthless currency?
I do. But nickels, aren't. 

The pain, the sorrow,
the choking on the thought
there was never really was anything there.
Vomit it up, 
or wash it down. 
These are the options. 
So, I drink.

I used to drink more, 
Now I drink less. 
I'm speaking generally, 
of course. 

Wash it all down
with a long tasty gulp.
Or a long, un-tasty swig. 
Which ever your preference. 

Are all artists lovers?
Most of us have a tendency to be drunks. 
I wonder.
We must be
I've read about it. 
Always a tragedy of Shakespearean proportion 
waiting to be told.
Most of artists I know, 
Including myself,
have had or currently do have 
a drinking problem.

From trying to force the cake down our throats,
into our stomach to be digested, 
accepted, 
and rid from our bodies.

From cake, to shit. 
It is the inevitable downfall of all food, to become shit. 

The falling out creates such a strong dissonance 
it's unbearable to know that you were wrong
the time you spent a possible waste
and the person you know who was once so highly regarded,
now nothing more than that piece of shit, whatever. 

Tis better we understand this now, 
than wallow in the misery and welcomed, 
often self inflicted pain, of unlove.
Unlove is the uneating of the cake
the upward choking action
Recoil and shrivel and shrink our ego,
A removal from the throat surgically 
that which was desperately tried to be swallowed whole.
Be gone damned cake from my throat.

Wash it down with a drink, 
vomit it up,
may be only to
eat it again.

At least I can get a few paintings out of it.
Meanwhile,
there are people who keep walking past the shop window
and I'll never understand them. 
I'm speaking generally,
of course. 

Q for Today

The question for today is:

"Who in your life really matters?"

I sat

and awaited

upon the train

to become apparent..

To my naive eye.

I disillusioned myself while I waited. 

I saw only the truth and the future.

I saw only the skew and the past. 

It was at that moment

I was

Nothing.

I was

Nothing to anyone

But myself.

And also,

Those people in my life, 

who really matter.

I should do what matters.

Repeat after me..

"i.love.you."

Myself. 

Please?

I love myself.

I.Love.You. 

Repeat after me.

Do.

Shoreline and Starfish

Standing upon this tiny slice of earth

all of this can only be just a dream 

an option to view 

if ever even beheld. 

It could be me here, 

but it could be you. 

Numb

sometimes I forget for a moment to live,

forgetting myself 

and the moment dims away to only possible memory. 

I forget to breath, 

and the hope fades away like sunlight,

and still you stand in my mind upon your own shoreline. 

Sand in my toes

all made of tiny pieces, 

disappearing. 

 Rolled back into the sea,

ready to appear once again 

down the shoreline,

 for another who is waiting. 

For sand is not to be held or owned

but to be felt, and shared. 

Given away to the wind

in a spiral of gratitude.

Blown away from me,

in a gust of momentary imperfection. 

My life is full of imperfect cadence,

I've come to know this intimately lately. 

I don't often view the sea

and as many times I've seen her,

I've never so purely known her either

although at times 

I've sworn so very close. 

All I can imagine 

this illusion,

Cannot be real.

It's unknown but flawless in it's spirit

I know

Perfect in it's movement, 

and sound,

 random in it's timing, 

Bloom becomes the sea. 

It smells differently, 

feels differently

and looks marvelous from where I've come. 

Sunny until 

may be tomorrow,

it could rain a bit. 

Regardless, the sky still exists 

and it is perfect in its time. 

The water grazes my toes 

and the soft foam bites at my naked feet,

and all I can do still,

is breath. 

 

I gaze out in amazement and disbelief, 

The smell of the salt air 

and a soft delicate sea mist dance across my face. 

Sometimes I feel lost because I lose focus

of what is really

to be seen. 

I watch the waves

folding over each other like a blanket 

folded on top

of another

on top of another

on top

of

each other. 

They absorb one another,

rolling backwards onto the ocean

a dance of cooperation and utopian crashes.

Taking back with it bits of shells

Bits of glass

Bits of other bits,

waiting to be rolled away 

leftover from another day. 

The sheer power of the water is so loud 

heard within, overwhelming.

So powerful

so receptive.

It is it's own symphony 

 immaculate in sound. 

I am so very small upon such a  

piece of expanding shore 

void completely at this moment of all music

 and tiny 

and still

and standing upon this top layer of earth.

I ponder

you a beautiful crab 

walking and

wandering 

and washed

 away from the breakers 

to find a way onto the shoreline

to walk.

I see you,

you see me.

I treasure you,

  dear crab from the sea. 

The waves keep coming, 

crashing,

roaring..

Overwhelming 

run away

run back

into the sea..

away from me.

The waves are a crashing consistant,

although unpredictable.

Powerful and peaceful at the same time.

I stand alone

Just as I came

Just as I'll go.

It's just me and the sea. 

You evade me 

but get so close. 

Phase me, 

as the moon does the tides 

and at an equal metric distance 

you exist. 

The entire emotion envelops me

and I am numb

 still.

The only thought upon my mind at this moment

is the sheer power beheld within each of these fluid movements.

The universe being made obvious inside

and outside.

Within, and without. 

The opposite shores 

so far but connected.

Here you are

there

Here I am

still. 

I miss you.

The same as opposites, 

Sorrow and joy

Standing together

   each on side of me. 

All is all,

everything is everything.

As is here is there 

This is not so unfamiliar to me anymore. 

Breath, again. 

A lesson in acceptance 

of air in and air out. 

I think of running back into the sea, 

just as the beautiful crab would do.

I stand upon the fading sands in time, 

washing back into the sea never to be recovered.

Upon the shore here I am,

 risking being burned by the sun,

rather than hiding beneath the tide,

only to be eaten alive. 

I feel the sea, 

so strongly

and with several tears

I feel I've contributed to her glory.

I snap back into a reality that differs from the previous

there are things around me 

perfect in their movement

as the universe has designated. 

How can I question so much,

I am so small

everything seems unknown to me.

As this wave next crashes another will shortly follow,

carrying with it pieces of bits

 and other bits of nothings 

a few meaningless particles and plastics 

but some meaningful sea shells, 

some fragments of glass and small pieces of a starfish

who never quite made it home.. 

and crabs looking to walk ashore to glance at what they may behold

 Most probably only to return back into their lovers arms, such a sweet sea.. 

afraid to leave their shell. 

To hide away indefinately. 

here i stand 

And there you are, 

Under the sea.

Another wave crashes, 

and I turn to walk further down the shoreline..

To ponder little bits of nothing and pieces of starfish

who never quite made it home.