In November

My heart hurts so very much 

this time of the year. 

I tried to talk to you tonight about that.

I cried 

heavy heavy tears. 

The weight of the world and

also my own guilt present

in their gravitational dropping.

All you said was,

"Don't you think about how I feel about it?"

I mean,

Actually,

It happened, 

to me.. Not YOU.

So, NO,

I do not! 

I do not ever think about YOUR emotions 

pertaining to the situation. 

It was,

A tragic thing which I felt was pinned upon me.

I was in a corner, 

I had no choice.

You say:

"I just don't know what you want me to say!"

Well, 

Actually,

I brought it up because all I wanted to hear was this:

"I love you, you are my best friend. No matter what you have done. I love you."

That was what I wanted to hear. 

I did not hear it. 

Nor, have I ever.

The weight of the world falls from my eyes, 

in these heavy heavy tears.

Don't you think I have destroyed myself enough 

within my own mind?

I've killed myself over and over.

And over, 

and over.

I killed a small part of my own heart

that overcast November day. 

Can you stop, 

Perhaps,

not think of yourself,

and your own reaction for a moment?

Remember to remember..

That I feel very strongly 

the things that I feel.

I hurt, I hurt, I hurt.

But, you, "Had almost forgotten about that!"

Well, 

I, my dear, sure have not.

I think about it

all of the time.

I just wanted to hear, 

That I am correct in what I did. 

Obviously, 

You did not think so. 

You did not think that I did the correct thing.

It kills me again, and again, and again.

Inside. 

Again and again. 

The weight of my worries drip down my chin.

I just wanted 

to feel forgiven. 

Because,

I do not,

ever,

feel any forgiveness. 

The choice I made,

Correctly, 

yet,

incorrectly. 

Meditation

In Feng Shui they say, 

that everyone has an optimal direction to face.

That a specific cardinal direction is most beneficial to your energy.

I like to lie on my bed sometimes

and face the wrong direction purposefully. 

I lie on my back staring up

with half of my hair

breezily and lightly moving to my ever powered ceiling fan.

I daze up and off into the popcorn textured covering.. 

I gaze as if the dots are all stars and imaging 

I am laying in a meadow under the

entire expanse of the universe, 

I close my eyes.

No one else is there but me and the universe.

I let myself rest my eyes and see those stars in the sky.

They are me and I am them. 

I feel so very small.

So, very, small.

It is wonderful.

I enjoy facing the wrong direction 

seeing beautiful things in my mind.

Listening to my ceiling fan as it clears the air of 

all of the noise in my life. 

I smile in peace. 

I am never, 

ever,

facing the wrong direction. 

All is well in life. Everything is everything. Blessed Be.

 Namaste. 

Fingernails and my Heavy Heart

I thought about you today, 

The way you make me laugh. 

The way I make you smile. 

How natural we are together,

And the rivers voice, how still it spoke between us, on that beautiful Sunday.

I looked down at my fingernails,

"How were they so dirty again?" I wondered, 

Again. 

I do this a few times a day, 

it seems.

Notice the dirt under my fingernails.

About as often as I think of you.

So, I cut my fingernails, 

finally. 

They had gotten to grow,

for so long, 

on accident.

I thought about you once more

and in that moment, 

I became very frustrated. 

Very Sad. Confused. 

I have cut my fingernails

many times it seems,

since we have started taking walks together. 

I admire you and

I want to be held in the grasp

of your arms.

Tightly and solidly.

Yet,

I always feel frustrated

in waiting.

Why must I wait?

It's like torture,

you make me wait,

For your touch.

Just like,

My dirty fingernails 

torture me as well.

Because I have to cut them, 

again and again.

To wait, to cut them,

again. 

They collect dirt on our walks,

and wait with me. 

To touch you. 

Again.

Today

Today,

after my first class.. 

I heard two girls chattering in French while I was in the bathroom stall. They were admiring their bodies in the mirrors and 

They sounded like two little giggly mice. I wondered what they were saying to each other.. and what their lives were like.

I walked through the union, 

I saw a woman in a mobilized wheelchair with cerebral palsy. She was so so small, like a young child, and frail and brittle.

 Vulnerable, like a new born baby

and blameless just the same.

Her frame was a mangled mess. 

She gazed out, from her own mind and out into the walk way.

She was unfocused and sorrowful to an extent. 

I could tell that she was waiting for someone, or something.. 

I suffered for her in that moment. 

She'll never know what it's like to walk on cold grass.. I thought, sadly. 

I wanted to know what she was thinking about at that moment so, instead,

 I said a prayer for her.

I went and sat on a bench in the park, and quietly watched people around me. 

Eating sandwiches, talking with friends, and laughing.

I wondered about their lives and their thoughts.

We are all so tiny, like a speck.

I wondered if they thought about that at all. 

Small spiders kept finding their way to me on that bench. 

I try to pick them off softly, as to not harm their small bodies.  

They were spinning down from my hair, onto my white tshirt.

I found that I squished on while removing it, on accident. 

It's blood streaked across my fingers and it's legs were just dashes of black lines.

Specks.

As we all are.

I am sorry, small spider. 

It was soft and frail, just as the woman with a mangled frame I had seen. 

I looked down at the bench on which I was sitting. 

Carved into the seat next to me read, "Today is the day of salvation". 

Today, it said.

Not, tomorrow. 

Today is the day.

Freedom

People often ask "what is the purpose of life?"

What is it's meaning and goal?

Generally the answer is success and happiness. What is the definition of success? Of happiness? It is not money, nor is it fame. It is not physical things nor is it social caste. It can be a cup of tea, a heart you hug, a life you make, a flower you watch grow, the smell of the rain.

Lifes meaning is beauty. Beauty lies in the simple and pure heart, full of love for all living beings. 

Being successful comes from harmony within. If you are waiting for happiness, then you will wait forever in vain. Live in your present moment and smile. Be kind. This is happiness.

Peace is the goal. Love is purpose. All answers lie in truth, within. Truth in action and in thought will bring peace and true love to your life. Only then, may you be free to fly. 

 

In Awe of Being Alive

Lying on the grass outside of the union,

I am belly down 

and looking up.

The sun shines down upon the exposed small of my back

My hungry skin and my thirsty heart welcome it's rays and warmth with a soft smile.

I am being still and listening to the small voice of truth.

Enjoying the world I live in.

A tiny tiny bug crawls across the page I write upon,

and I smile to see it.

Peace dwells within me in the present wonderful moment.

Life is beautiful and this is what it's all about.

Being still and in awe of being alive. A tiny tiny bug crawling, across my paper, and I see it.

Celebrate being alive.

nurture nature

Absorb Nature 

So that Nature,

may absorb you.

to feel

To know the taste of a fruit,

you must put it in your mouth.

Likewise, 

to know 

you must first taste.

i love mom

ThirstTEA

I find in the late evening, 

Prior to my retiring.

I have thoughts stream 

ever so slowly..

As a whisper.

Through my consciousness. 

Welling up as water.

I become self aware in my twilight.

Speaking slowly. Softly. 

To myself.

I reflect often in the evening.

On the subject of he. 

I feel is

as refreshing as iced tea.

Cool and calm.

No lemon, 

and not much sugar lately.