In November

My heart hurts so very much 

this time of the year. 

I tried to talk to you tonight about that.

I cried 

heavy heavy tears. 

The weight of the world and

also my own guilt present

in their gravitational dropping.

All you said was,

"Don't you think about how I feel about it?"

I mean,

Actually,

It happened, 

to me.. Not YOU.

So, NO,

I do not! 

I do not ever think about YOUR emotions 

pertaining to the situation. 

It was,

A tragic thing which I felt was pinned upon me.

I was in a corner, 

I had no choice.

You say:

"I just don't know what you want me to say!"

Well, 

Actually,

I brought it up because all I wanted to hear was this:

"I love you, you are my best friend. No matter what you have done. I love you."

That was what I wanted to hear. 

I did not hear it. 

Nor, have I ever.

The weight of the world falls from my eyes, 

in these heavy heavy tears.

Don't you think I have destroyed myself enough 

within my own mind?

I've killed myself over and over.

And over, 

and over.

I killed a small part of my own heart

that overcast November day. 

Can you stop, 

Perhaps,

not think of yourself,

and your own reaction for a moment?

Remember to remember..

That I feel very strongly 

the things that I feel.

I hurt, I hurt, I hurt.

But, you, "Had almost forgotten about that!"

Well, 

I, my dear, sure have not.

I think about it

all of the time.

I just wanted to hear, 

That I am correct in what I did. 

Obviously, 

You did not think so. 

You did not think that I did the correct thing.

It kills me again, and again, and again.

Inside. 

Again and again. 

The weight of my worries drip down my chin.

I just wanted 

to feel forgiven. 

Because,

I do not,

ever,

feel any forgiveness. 

The choice I made,

Correctly, 

yet,

incorrectly.