When my heart jumps out of my chest

The pain in my heart is beautiful. 

It is

the scab pulled back from the wound. 

Bloody and exposed and many years old.

To be open to you. 

To the air and the elements. 

But that's okay.. I tell myself.

Yeah, that's okay.

I want to throw myself against a wall

To stop from falling down.

To prove myself wrong.

I want to smash my face against the window

the one you can see out of.

To holt from the exposure.

I am about to trip and fall, 

For what seems like forever and

I don't know where down stops. 

But that's okay.. I tell myself.

Yeah, that's okay?

I am so scared and yet, so peaceful.

As the wind blows soft, then strong upon my face. 

Death is looming for his next victim.

I am here waiting for him. 

And also, For you.

To take me as your own. 

Because,

To love,

is simply dying to yourself

and for your love. 

Denial of your instincts and all thought and ego.

I don't understand why everything has to be so hard.

I don't understand why it has to be so complicated. 

I don't know why it's so hard. 

I am so frustrated and angry and confused. 

All at once these things hit me.

Like a massive mountain upon my chest. 

But that's okay.. I tell myself.

Yeah that's okay.

I try. 

You are you and I am me. 

Together we can be blissful.

I don't know how much better it could be.

It can't.

I get you

and you get me.

I am as strong as sand between your fingers.

When you have me.

I am open like a flower on the lake. 

I let all my cards show.

Don't you like my hand?

I know

I try to tell myself

It's okay to be this way.

Yeah, Ryan, that's okay.